Our 2011 Recap

January

Sam was admitted on the 14th for his 2nd stem cell transplant.  It was a very stressful time with him not eating and me worrying that he was going to wean.  

February

Once Sam started eating again things were much better.  But there was still stress over the battle about whether or not to send him home on TPN.  In the end I feel like I won and he only had TPN at home for one day. 

 March

Sam completed two weeks of radiation and I shaved my head!

April

Sam's central line broke and needed to be replaced, he had his first round of antibody therapy, he went on his very first Easter Egg Hunt in the hospital, and we found out that some crazy person was using his pictures to pretend that they had a kid with cancer. 

 May

Two hospital admissions and a generally yucky feeling boy. 

 June

Sam had cycle 3 of ch14.18 and got his hearing aids. 

 July

Two more admissions, but we spent some time outside! 

 August

August was eventful.  Sam had his last scheduled admission, his central line broke and we were allowed to leave it out, he had his very first bath in the bathtub, and he was released to resume normal people activities out in public!

 September

I wrote a post about fear and faith that I am glad I reread as I was looking through posts for this one, Sam saw his first movie in the theater (The Lion King,) an we had a blast at the Carnival of Life. 

 October

Sam got his first haircut, I started blogging our weeks in iPhone photos, Sam had a clean PET scan (which was a huge relief but still gives conflicting feelings because of the not-clean-MIBG,) we road-tripped to South Carolina, and Sam Wiggle went trick-or-treating.

November

We celebrated Sam's 2nd birthday with a big party.

December

Christmas. Christmas crafts, handmade Christmas gifts, classic crying on Santa's lap picture. 

I feel like I was living in a fog for much of 2011.  I couldn't remember a lot of it until I started sifting through the archives to write this post.  I was just going through the motions, still in survival mode, trying to keep out the feelings of fear and uncertainty but really putting up walls and keeping myself from feeling anything at all.  We had our share of tough times this year, but overall I think it was a great year and definitely ended on a high note.

The fog is starting to lift and my optimism is coming back.  When I was putting up those walls around my heart I was also shutting out God.  I had plenty of moments of doubt.  Not doubts of His existence but doubt that He would heal my son.  I've never blamed God for Sam's cancer but I've blamed myself for asking God to do something radical with our lives, and that has caused me to retreat into myself and stop offering 100% to Him.  Heck, I stopped offering even half of myself.  I was like, "Hey here's this cancer thing... can you just take it and heal him and let us be?"  I've always known that you have to take the sorrows along with the joys that life offers but in reality that can be a bitter pill to swallow.

I'm starting to ramble.  I could write a book about this stuff if I kept going.  This year I want myself and my family to grow deeper in our relationship with God, putting Him back as the focus.  I pray that I can fully let go of the guilt and the blame and I will be a present, positive figure for my son.  I hope that our joy outweighs our trials.  I pray that 2012 is our best year yet and is the year that we hear that Sam is cancer free.