are you kidding?

This is ridiculous.

jealousy.

When we first started trying to start a family it seemed like everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women. Everyone around me was getting knocked up. I was jealous. Then when we realized we were going to have some difficulty it got worse. I saw all of these pregnant women and I was angry. Why them and not me? That 15 year old girl is having a baby and not me? Seriously? But overtime the jealously has drastically subsided. I can trust God and his timing. I know that he is using this experience to strengthen our marriage and to draw us closer to Him. I have my moments... but I've made an authentic effort to be patient.

A friend at work told me last night that she was pregnant. I knew that she had planned to start trying right after she got married and my honest and raw first reaction was elation! I was so happy for her! But after a few minutes jealousy creeped in. It took her two months... One month of actually counting days and timing things out. I tried to shake the feeling away, and I mentioned it to her. She was understanding, as I knew she would be. We spent the whole rest of my shift chatting about baby names and child-rearing and dreaming about our respective futures.

I guess what I want to say is that I still row with these issues. But when I'm honest with myself, remember the positive in my life, and importantly, remember God's faithfulness - they're overcome.

encouragement

I have mentioned here before that I hid my struggles for a long time in fear of people being unsupportive. But God has placed some great people in my life and I am thankful.

Today I received a handwritten card and beside a sweet little note was this verse:

"...He is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him..." -Deuteronomy 7:9

This small reminder that God is faithful made me smile and I just thought I would share it with you.

I'm "anatomically normal."

I had an HSG (aka hysterosalpingogram or x-ray imaging of the uterus and fallopian tubes) today. It hit me how crazy it is that it has taken two years of baby dancing including 6 failed rounds of Clomid (aka clobitch, man that stuff makes you CRAZY) and dumping my doc for a new one to get this simple test done. It's usually ordered pretty early on when women are having trouble getting knocked up.

After reading a friggin' ton of information on message boards and scattered around the net I had pretty much psyched myself out. I was scared. These women were saying that it was terribly painful and they "came up off the table" or had to be sedated. I really should have learned my lesson about the internet when scared myself half to death before I had my wisdom teeth cut out. The good thing was that because I had read so much I knew exactly what to expect step by step. And it could be that I was expecting the worst, but I didn't think it was bad AT ALL. Sure, I felt a little crampy when they inserted the cath and inflated the balloon, but the whole thing was over in like five minutes. The worst part was the two hour wait beforehand because one of their machines were down.

My tubes are open. The doctor kept saying how "cooperative" my cervix was and how everything looked "beautiful." I'm glad it went so well. I wanted to find a picture of a normal HSG to draw a smiley face on to post but then I thought that might be a little gross. So here's a sweet cartoon image...

I was thinking more along the lines of ovary eyes but I think this does the trick.

So the next step is basically just to keep on keepin' on. I'm back on Metformin and I'm on a different fertility drug called Femara. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high but my friend, Jen, who also has PCOS got pregnant with Met and Femara. I've only started it this week but so far it's been way better than Clomid! I'm on a much higher dose of Metformin than before... 3000 mg daily... which is the highest dose I've found on the message boards. It has some unsavory side affects and if you noticed me leaving twice during the sermon on Sunday, I was throwing up. And now you know why. Met is a med used to treat diabetes but just to clarify I don't have diabetes or pre-diabetes or whatever. My sugars are fine. Metformin has been shown to lower the elevated male hormone levels that some women with PCOS have, thus kick-starting menstruation. Also women with PCOS are at risk for developing insulin resistance so it's a commonly prescribed treatment. Oh... and I have an ultrasound of my business next week and Alex gets to get his business tested ASAP.

So there you have it (like you even cared.)

a post about paint... kinda.

We painted the living room this week. I took a picture of Alex getting started with the primer and planned to document the ordeal but then I went to work and Alex finished painting. I could post that pic with one of the finished product I guess but I can't get motivated enough to put all of my crap back on the walls. So maybe after it's all said and done and the kitchen is painted, too, I'll show you some pictures.

I guess there are other things I could update you on but Troy is on FX and Brad Pitt is hott, so I've gotta go. Peace out.

words about love and such

i love this kid.

I picked up my niece, Gwenith, from daycare today and we spent the afternoon together. We had to go to the bank and do some other things including pick up our new bed and I told her that if she behaved that she could pick out a prize. When she spotted this Little Mermaid purse play set she said, "Oooh! Can I get this and we'll still have enough money for the bed?"



I want a little girl just like her.



P.S. That purse is made out of seaweed and real pearls and it comes with sunglasses, keys, a driver's license, a credit card, makeup, and a SHELL PHONE which Alex thought was a hoot.

The Cute Stuff I Bought on Etsy

Just thought I'd share my latest purchases with you.

I have been searching and searching for some coasters that I really like. And I LOVE these. I almost said "these ones." Does anyone else say that? Anyway... lately I've been really drawn to delicate shades of light blue and when I saw these coasters I needed them. They also kind of match the color we're getting ready to paint our living room, which is a different story for another day.

I also picked up this sweet checkbook cover. It's not that I'm writing a ton of checks. I don't even usually carry my checkbook with me. But now when I need to write I check I'll get to see this lovely cover and it will bring me a bit of cheer.

I keep one key chain for all of my keys and periodically I'll switch it out. The one that I have now was a gift from Alex's aunt for my birthday two years ago. It's held up quite well but I wanted a change (am I the only loser that thinks about these things) so I purchased this delightful elephant keychain.

Winter Storm Pictures

The view from the front porch.

Massive Icicles

Helm's Sod Farm

Office Organization

Our house is generally clean. I don't consider it to be particularly cluttered, especially considering it's size. But somehow my "office" became a dumping ground for junk. If it needed to be stored in the shed but we didn't feel like taking it our there at the time we would put it in my "office." All of my craft stuff was just scattered all over the place. I would work sitting in the floor with my supplies spread out around me. It was a disaster zone, and we just kept the door shut. Since we were cooped up in the house with the winter storm we decided to organize the space.

I'm kind of embarrassed to share this with you.


I only got the idea to get photographic documentation of this endeavor about halfway through. So, it was worse than this before we started.


That shelf was thrown in there to get it out of the way several month ago. I didn't know if I would keep it or not. The shelf on top of the shelf holds some of my fairy collection. That sewing machine is oooold and heavy.
I got those containers at the dollar store today. They were the motivation for my organization.

____________

Here's the clean 360 view...
Stamps are stored in those crates. Miscellaneous craft supplies and ribbons are in the basket on the bottom shelf. Pictures are in the basket on the next shelf up. Big shelf holds my cricut, some card stock that doesn't really fit anywhere else, and a random empty basket. Top shelf is wedding memorabilia. The black suitcase-type thing was an awesome birthday gift from Devin a few years ago and it holds all of my scrapbooking supplies.
My sewing machine I really need to learn how to use... and I think that picture is crooked.
I have a lot of crap.

Imagine that shelf on that wall but horizontal.
My desk could actually pass for a real workspace now. The keyboard drawer pulls out and is stuffed with patterned paper. I'm going to go to hobby lobby to find something to hang above my desk. I don't like how squished this corner is. Originally there were two big tubs of gift wrapping supplies sitting at the end that I wound up stashing in Alex's closet. This picture reminds me that I need to go pull that desk down some more.

It makes me happy but this room is clean but facing all of that junk kind of scares me. When we bought this house we decided that this room would become a nursery whenever we have a baby. But when that happens... where in the world am I going to put all of my crap? I'm pretty content with our little home but today I caught myself uttering the phrase, "We're going to need a bigger house." Alex said that there's plenty of space in our bedroom for a crib. Um.... no. I mean, there is... but, no. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get a positive pee stick.

Since I mentioned my fairy collection and showed my true loserey-ness, I guess I'll show you a few of my favorite fairies.


This was my very first fairy. My mom got it for me when I was in middle school.
These are Dezine fairies. They're kind of expensive if you ask me. My mom is the one who always bought them for me. I wish I had saved all of the boxes and certificates.
I even have a fairy tattoo. If I ever have a little girl I think I'll keep collecting them for her.